Look Ma, I'm on the Beebs!
Just wished it was for something nice
First things first: YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! ✨✨✨
It’s only been 2 weeks since the newsletter launched and 270+ people have subscribed!! WHAT!
Thank you so much!!! At first I was thinking “wow, this is gonna be too much pressure…” but then again most of y’all are on the free tier and we all know exposure pays my bills right HA HA HA… ha. God I need to touch grass.
But for reals tho, this shit is extremely motivating, I hope you like it here :)
So… That Acti-Blizz stuff eh?
TW: Sexual harassment & death. If you no longer want to engage in this topic, then you don’t need to read past this section! Take care of yourself and we’ll catch up next issue! ❤️
Yeah so if you’re not caught up, you can start here, and here's a list of all the follow-up headlines, including an extensive piece on the Cosby Suite.
The topic for this week’s issue will be about my experience from when the news hit, up until somehow I ended up on BBC news - or as the British love calling it, The Beebs.
Hooooo-boy, it’s been an exhausting few weeks for sure. And I don’t even work there.
The Morning Of
When the news of the lawsuit hit the internet, it was stupid o’clock at night in the UK. Meaning, it was the first thing I saw as soon as I checked Twitter.
I scrolled, I read, I retweeted. Rinse and repeat. Morning standup was at 9 am, this whole thing sat on my mind but the team was cheerful, I didn’t wanna bring down the atmosphere if they haven’t heard about it yet. Someone will probably post about it on Slack later in the day.
It bubbled up in my throat - no, fuck it, I need to fucking rant. It started as just a small one, like “Did you hear about this?!” which had some people nodding. But being the only woman in the room you instinctively get uncomfortable if you take up too much air time. I stop mid-rant with a familiar “I just- ugh. Sorry. It’s upsetting.” Why am I apologising like it’s a nervous tick?
The team gave their two cents, most if not all of them sympathetic to the issue. One person piped up saying they’ve just never encountered these situations in person at any of their studios. Guess they were just lucky.
I snapped. Look, I’m not saying he’s lying or being purposefully ignorant - but I’ve had so many times when I’d have to go to the toilets to just cry in the cubicle because I couldn’t emotionally deal with this one fucking prick at work. I told them “Sure, maybe you never saw the actual incident, but when I came back to my desk after a long while, face all red and puffy from crying, EVERYONE knew I went away to cry. Did anyone care to ask if I was ok? Did anyone care to bring it up to management? No. They saw me cry, multiple times, and did fucking nothing.” It’s never just one incident. It’s death by a thousand cuts.
The call was silent. “You know who helped me in the end? It was another woman,” if they’re allowing me to speak then I’ll keep going. “SHE noticed, SHE asked and SHE did something about it. And I’ll be fucking damned if I’d let another woman after me get treated like that.”
Tears are welling up, jfc, I didn’t expect to blow up at the morning standup call. I hung my head low so I’m not on camera. The team picked up the conversation, being very understanding of my outburst. I didn’t realise I was already bracing myself for someone to challenge me, a reflex learned just by being a visible woman on the internet. But it never came. The call coming to an end, I slipped in a sheepish “Thanks for letting me rant, I appreciate it.”
Two of my leads get on a call with me after just to check on me. At this point I’m a bit embarrassed. They assured me that in this studio, they do care and will listen. A few of my teammates DM’ed me individually to show support. I felt calmer now. Heck, I’m on the D&I committee, I know we’re already miles better than most places. I end the call with my two leads assuring them that I’m ok.
And then my phone buzzed. Text message from the bestie.
A: Did you hear about Amanda?Me: No?A: She passed awayMe: FuckBarely processing what I read, I shoot a quick message to my line manager to say I’m taking a mental health day off. Granted, no questions asked.
That afternoon I went to a park to cry alone. Cruel for it to be a nice day too.
The Day After
When I started in the industry, I received advice on how to create a portfolio and how to be more assertive in meetings. But fucking hell, nobody prepares you for shit like writing an obituary for your gamedev friend in the midst of a collective grieving over the state of the industry… and still showing up for work to make fucking video games.
I know it’s a privilege to be able to take days off on a whim, most people can’t do that. So I wasn’t going to take the piss and take yet another day off. Twitter definitely wasn’t, neither were the news outlets. Headline after headline, trauma dumps one after the other. Twitter threads and Slack conversations, it keeps coming.
Remember the games industry’s #MeToo movement two years ago? It took one story to set off a chain reaction of more stories being told. Traumas dug up, triggers everywhere. Again and again it keeps happening. God knows what next summer will bring, this fucking industry I swear.
The brave people who came out with their stories at Acti-Blizz are the ones hurting. The employees who are angry at the people in power, they’re the ones feeling the brunt of this whole thing. Who the fuck am I to centre any of this on myself? Push it down. You had your rant. A mother lost her daughter yesterday. Push it down. It’s not about you. Push it down.
As I was alone, that night was the first night in two years that I experienced a panic attack. Like greeting an old flame, I recognised the pain in my chest. I cursed at the fact that I’ve been doing so well for so long. It didn’t matter. Bless my friend who came over at 1 am just to let me uncontrollably sob into his shirt.
We put on my comfort movie, Howl’s Moving Castle, and I slept badly. He paid for the obscene uber rate home.
The Week After
I’ll be honest, around this time it was a blur. I’ve just upped my ADHD meds and dealing with the side effects. My schedule was relentless - I had too many spinning plates and all of them important. Sleep was a skittish visitor who wouldn’t stay. Numb and stubborn, I ran on fumes.
The dust has settled from the initial shockwave. The industry is angry and demanding consequences. Employees of Acti-Blizz organised a walkout in protest, and fellow devs all over the world poured their support in hashtags and blue hearts. Hundreds if not thousands more pen their name onto an open letter to Ubisoft. Journalists in a flurry of interviews and statements, and I wasn't spared.
Marginalised people in games are quick to remind the masses that even though the lawsuit is in California, the hideous culture is unfortunately global. Not even specific to AAA studios, the grass is equally pissed on where the indies are. An open secret of an elephant in the room. It almost makes you feel guilty for promoting the industry to diverse candidates where they might as well be the next casualty waiting to happen.
Almost. As the quote from Fred Rogers recounts, whenever there are scary things on the news, his mother said "Look for the helpers. You always find people who are helping."
Depending on which news outlet you read, some are focused on covering the abusers, and the business ramification - too capitalist of a lens for my taste, personally. Even so, the people behind GamesIndustry.biz wanted to focus on the helpers, and I wouldn't have considered myself as one if they didn't reach out. We recorded a podcast (if reading is more your thing, a write-up of the podcast can be found here) and they supplied a list of resources for victims (albeit western-centric, if you're from the global south please get your resources seen and heard too!)
It's only Wednesday (my dudes) and I'm drained. At the day job, it's coming close to milestone week. Most of the team at my non-profit are on holiday which meant I'm running things solo. My side project is picking up steam, now of all times. I have both online and in-person events to host - it was a good idea a month ago, so fuck hindsight.
Ding, an email from the BBC appeared in my inbox.”Would you be able to come in for an interview regarding sexism in the games industry?”
I could feel my bones get heavier. Even my fumes are running on empty. It took me too long to think of an excuse for a response that I just didn't. I have back to back meetings, overdue tasks, and-
A missed call, with a voice message no less? Who in the-
"Hi, I'm calling from the BBC-"
Oh goddammit. They've got my number from a friend. I'm too polite for my own good, I give them a callback. He explains it's for a short segment in the morning news pertaining to the lawsuit (of course, what else could it be?). I reluctantly agreed, after all it was only 4 minutes on air, and they'd send questions in advance.
"It's uh, it's gonna be at 5.30 am," he sheepishly said. I laughed, the kind that trailed into a long defeated sigh. A situation that was comedic only if it wasn't happening to you. "I know, I'm sorry" he offered. Well, not like I was getting any sleep anyway.
With great difficulty, I managed to get up in time the next day. The interview itself was… okay? The beebs supplied me with a list of questions they may ask, and well, they used none of them. I was definitely not awake enough to think on my feet. I don’t know. I didn’t feel great.
As soon as we finished the recording, I checked my phone to find a message with a photo of me on the segment taken by an old friend from her hotel room TV… in Malaysia. This was how I found out the whole thing was live… ahahaha fuuuuuck me.
It didn't really hit me how big of a deal this was until after I posted the video on Slack at work. My colleagues were incredibly supportive and kind. I've been working on autopilot for so long that I didn't have spare minutes in the day to dwell. Even now I still haven't watched back that interview, I cringe at my own voice. I was tired, caught off guard, it was way too fucking early to be human. I don't know if I did the message any justice.
But if it's something I learned, it's that most people don't really care about the content when you're on the beebs. They just care that you're on it. Mum texted everyone she knew to turn the news on. My hairdresser congratulated me on it. A photographer got in touch with me for a feature because someone she knew saw me on the telly.
And yet, all I wanted was to rest.
So What Now?
*exhales* We keep going. We keep fighting.
I’m shattered, but I’ll be fucking damned if this shit happens under my watch. Which is a wild thing to say as I’m not an employer or anyone with a significant amount of power. I’m just one person working in the games industry. But whatever influence I have, I’m gonna use it to help.
My shoulders may be small, but my arms are open.
At the moment, the platform I can best help people is through Limit Break. Since the entire incident, people have shown incredible generosity and solidarity by donating to our little organisation. Every year I do worry about raising enough funds to keep it going - I think people forget that I have a day job, and this is a whole ass non-profit company we run as volunteers during our free time. It’s emotional labour on top of regular labour.
There are times when I wonder if any of this is worth the effort because I’ve gone past any healthy amount of late nights for this organisation. But the kind tweets, the messages tagged onto donations, the DM’s and emails from our members - that shit never gets old. Over and over, I get reminded, this is why I started Limit Break and this is why we keep going.
Limit Break will always primarily be a platform for people in games to find a mentor, but it’s also more than that - it’s a safe space to speak your heart, it's a community of people who lift each other up, and (I really hope this is the case), it’s a place to find help when you can’t anywhere else.
So yeah, to everyone who donated, thank you. We have huge plans in the works, and that donation will push us further. To our active members, thank you for participating - your win is our win. To the wider UK games industry, we can do better, we just need to keep going.
I would like to acknowledge and say a huge thank you to everyone who has donated to Limit Break during this time, and especially to Callum Underwood who raised funds for those hurting to allow them time off, and then proceeded to donate the rest to organisations like ours in memory of our dear friend Mandy. Also to Ubisoft Reflections and Leamington who made a substantial donation on behalf of her partner, Gareth Johns.
Mandy believed in a better and safer industry for us to work and thrive in. We’ll continue the effort from here. Thank you for being in our lives.
Much love from Team LB, and even more from me.
Phew! Wow so you managed to get all the way down here, I’m so glad! I’m still trying to figure out this stuff, so I appreciate all you early subscribers. As a special treat and because I’m still learning, the paid subscription tier will be half off for a whole dang year!!!
That’s enough time for me to learn what works, what doesn’t. Hopefully, by Year 2 of the SaNewsi, you’ll definitely get more bang for your buck!
Alright, signing off! Smell ya later x
-A
Keep on keeping on Anisa ! I hope I'll be able to do my part in the fight for inclusivity and sane work environments too :)